Why subscribe to Superior News Now?
Join the millions of Homo sapiens who love reading Superior News Now, and if you decide to fork over a few clams monthly, you’ll have access to our award-wanting Saturday WEEKEND EDITION. Plus, you’ll also magically be given the extra special power to post comments on our stories.
About
Welcome to Superior News Now, Northwestern Ontario’s premier source for completely fictional facts. Questionably published every Wednesday, and headquartered in the thriving metropolis of Thunder Bay, Ontario where our prestigious offices are located in the city's most exclusive, crumbling building, which we lovingly refer to as “a fixer-upper with character.”
Our team of thousands—yes, thousands—of highly qualified journalists, many of whom just Googled “how to write,” hail straight from the most reputable institutions, including universities, colleges, and, on occasion, even high schools. We believe that journalism is a calling, and what better way to answer that call than to hire fresh minds who are experts in telling it like it isn’t.
Thank you for trusting Superior News Now as your go-to source for Northwestern Ontario satire and absurdity. Where else can you find the headlines that matter most, even if they’re not remotely true?
Mission Statement
At Superior News Now, we pride ourselves on delivering Thunder Bay’s most fictional, yet somehow still more believable, news stories. As Northwestern Ontario’s foremost source of expertly fabricated facts, our mission is simple: to ensure you stay woefully misinformed about the local and regional issues that don’t matter. And even though it may not seem like it, know that we're fully committed to keeping you entertained, confused, and questioning whether reality is even worth your time.
Values
Integrity, accuracy, and truth... are for other news outlets. Here at Superior News Now, we value exaggeration, shameless satire, and a healthy disdain for factual reporting.
We also pride ourselves on diversity. That's why we maintain a perfect 50/50 male-to-female employee ratio at all times, no matter of their ethnicity. It’s a delicate balance, requiring the precision of a tightrope walker, but it’s worth it. Because equality matters, even when the facts don’t.
Testimonials
"I used to read traditional news, but then Superior News Now covered the real issues — like why Thunder Bay needs a 24-hour moose-watch patrol. Now I can’t go back to regular facts. The truth is overrated." — Linda Johnson, lifelong Thunder Bay resident
"Superior News Now is the only outlet brave enough to ask the hard questions at City Hall, like why the council spent $3 million on a giant snowman sculpture that melts every spring. And thanks to their fearless reporting, I now know which councillor is secretly hoarding all the best parking spots downtown." — Frank Thompson, concerned citizen
"When Superior News Now uncovered the conspiracy behind the Lake Superior 'Fish Mafia,' I realized there’s so much I didn’t know about aquatic crime. They’re the Woodward and Bernstein of the sea!" — Gary Mulholland, amateur marine biologist
"Thanks to Superior News Now’s investigation into the increasing price of Finnish pancakes, I finally understand global economics. Who knew Thunder Bay was the epicenter of international cuisine?" — Erika Virtanen, local breakfast enthusiast
"Their exposé on the underground sauna trade in Thunder Bay was life-changing. I had no idea my neighbor was running a steam room cartel. Superior News Now saved my property value!" — Derek McAllister, concerned homeowner
"Superior News Now is the only outlet brave enough to question if the Sleeping Giant is really just a cleverly disguised alien spacecraft. Their hard-hitting journalism keeps me up at night — and I love it." — Tom Jenkins, local extraterrestrial enthusiast
"I used to think local sports were just about hockey and curling, but thanks to Superior News Now, I’ve discovered the intense underground world of Thunder Bay's competitive snow shoveling league. Their in-depth analysis of shovel techniques and the controversial 'salt vs. sand' debate has revolutionized local sports reporting." — Kyle Patterson, armchair athlete
Disclaimer
Superior News Now is a satirical news site providing fictional, yet highly critical, takes on popular culture and current events happening in Northwestern Ontario. Our stories aim to entertain and provoke thought, though they may offer a heavy-handed slap of reality. Any accidental resemblance between our fictional interviewees and actual private citizens is purely coincidental. And if it makes you uncomfortable—good, that’s the point. Public figures, too, should rest assured that any quotes or stories attributed to them are fictional, with the sole purpose of poking fun. It’s satire, folks—relax.
All content—whether likenesses, quotes, figures, so-called “facts,” or anything else on Superior News Now or its associated social media accounts, or links, is made up for laughs. None of it should be taken seriously. Seriously. Using any Superior News Now content is done entirely at your own risk, because, well, you should know better by now.
The opinions of contributors to Superior News Now are entirely their own, and do not necessarily reflect the views of Superior News Now’s founders or the brave corporate souls who dare to advertise on this fine establishment. Photos and artwork may include original creations, commissioned works, stock photography, or images from the public domain. Their use does not imply that the artists, photographers, or stock image providers endorse us—or even that they’re aware of the nonsense we’re doing with their work. Always proceed with caution, and a sense of humour.
