Thunder Bay Residents Asked to Release Their Hostage Christmas Trees from Captivity
THUNDER BAY, ON — In a shocking revelation, Thunder Bay officials have confirmed that some residents are still clinging to their Christmas trees like they're heirlooms from the House of Windsor. City officials are now gently reminding citizens that the holiday is over, the trees are dead, and no one is coming to crown them “King Fir of Thunder Bay.”
“It’s time to let go,” said Lee Amelia, from the city’s waste department, who expressed confusion over why people feel the need to hold onto their browning, needle-shedding relics well into January. “Christmas was over a week ago. Your tree has now entered what we in the industry call the ‘fire hazard phase.’”
Nine designated drop-off sites are available across the city, providing an opportunity to transform these post-holiday husks into compost. “Think of it as reincarnation,” Amelia said. “Your tree’s next life could be mulch that nurtures Thunder Bay’s gardens. Isn’t that better than letting it sit in your living room like a weird, flammable roommate?”
Residents are reminded to remove all ornaments, tinsel, and the inevitable popcorn garlands that seemed like a good idea during a Hallmark movie binge. “Also, no plastic bags,” Amelia emphasized. “We’re recycling, not auditioning for the world’s saddest art installation.”
Despite this eco-friendly pitch, reports suggest some locals are hesitant to part ways. “We were going to take it down, but then we thought, what if we just redecorate it for Valentine’s Day?” said one resident who declined to be named, presumably out of shame.
The drop-off sites are open until Jan. 12. After that, any tree still lingering in your home officially qualifies as a cry for help—or a bold interior design choice Thunder Bay isn’t ready for.