Thunder Bay Quietly Rebuilds After New Year’s Eve
THUNDER BAY, ON—The city of Thunder Bay awoke on January 1, 2025, to the eerie quiet of a post-apocalyptic film, as locals staggered through the streets searching for solace, sustenance, or at least some ibuprofen. With nearly every establishment shuttered, residents found themselves flocking to the lone outpost of civilization: the Shoppers Drug Mart in the McIntyre Centre.
“I came here for hangover meds, but then I realized I also needed diapers for the baby,” mumbled Sarah Laine, a bleary-eyed mother of three clutching a jumbo pack of Pampers and two bottles of Gatorade. “Honestly, I’m just impressed I remembered the baby exists.”
New Year’s Eve revellers painted the town red last night, but as the clock struck midnight, so did the realization that Thunder Bay is not a city designed for rapid recovery. The next morning, local authorities reported a record 87% of residents still horizontal by noon, including several who were spotted sprawled across park benches or, in one case, using a snowbank as a makeshift pillow.
“I started partying sometime on Monday,” said 22-year-old Matt Carson, whose New Year’s ensemble of a glittery fedora and tattered pajama pants reflected his current state. “I’ve consumed nothing but Jägerbombs and poutine for the past 48 hours, and honestly, I feel great. Just kidding—I’m dying.”
But not everyone was nursing a hangover. Standing outside the Shoppers entrance, 94-year-old Bertha Caldwell smiled serenely as she surveyed the hungover masses.
“I didn’t think I’d live to see 2025,” said Caldwell, who celebrated New Year’s Eve by watching fireworks from her window while sipping a modest glass of sherry. “But here I am. Frankly, it’s all downhill after 2024 anyway.”
As the day wore on, Thunder Bay residents slowly returned home with their purchases—painkillers, Pedialyte, and a faint glimmer of hope for the year ahead. Shoppers Drug Mart employees, meanwhile, confirmed they would not be closing early, as someone still needed to sell chocolate bars to desperate souls in the middle of the night.