Thunder Bay Mafia Thrilled By New Leaf & Garden Waste Collection Days
THUNDER BAY, ON — What started as a humble service to clean up fallen leaves and garden debris has turned into a windfall for Thunder Bay's tight-knit mafia community. The city's decision to offer two leaf and garden waste collection days this year has made it easier than ever for local mobsters to dispose of what one insider referred to as "items best left out of sight and mind.”
“It’s like the city is doing us a solid,” said Tony ‘The Shovel’ DeLuca, a well-known figure in Thunder Bay’s organized crime world, as he leaned against his Cadillac Escalade, sipping coffee outside a local Tim Hortons. “Back in the day, you had to get creative about where to put things you didn’t want found. But now, twice this fall? I mean, we couldn’t have asked for a better system. It’s like Christmas, but with less digging.”
According to DeLuca, doubling the leaf & garden waste collection days have been a boon for the entire mafia community, cutting down on the time, stress, and logistical hurdles that come with making unwanted items disappear. "Yard waste bags are perfect. No one asks questions if it looks like leaves are poking out the top," he said with a wink.
One waste collector, who requested anonymity due to concerns for his personal safety, described the bags left by mafia members as "noticeably heavier" than your average pile of maple leaves. “We know what’s up. You can tell just by lifting them. I’ve been doing this job for ten years, and I can tell when it’s not leaves,” the worker said. “These bags—let’s just say they don’t crinkle the same way. And sometimes, there’s this weird smell, like something went bad in the garden. But hey, we just toss them in the truck. It’s not my job to open bags. That’s above my pay grade.”
Despite the obvious weight difference and the occasional suspicious lumps in the bags, city workers have adopted a "don’t ask, don’t tell" approach. “You start asking too many questions, next thing you know, you’re part of the leaf pile,” joked another waste collector, nervously glancing over his shoulder as he piled more “garden waste” into his truck. “I’m just here to make sure the streets are clean. If that means taking a few extra heavy bags now and then, who am I to say anything?”
City officials, for their part, have turned a blind eye to the situation, maintaining that the leaf and garden waste program is “for everyone” and that there’s no reason to suspect any wrongdoing. When asked if they were aware of the mafia’s enthusiastic participation, a city spokesperson responded, “We’re thrilled to see Thunder Bay residents taking advantage of the service. This is exactly the kind of community engagement we hoped for.”
Local law enforcement, too, seems less than eager to investigate the heavier-than-usual bags lining the streets every second Monday. “We’ve heard the rumours,” said Detective Mark O’Malley of the Thunder Bay Police Service. “But let’s be real here—yard waste isn’t exactly a high priority for us. We’re not in the habit of chasing after every suspicious bag of leaves that might have something a little ‘extra’ inside. We have bigger problems to deal with, like actual crime.”
Mafia members, meanwhile, are revelling in the newfound convenience, with some even banding together to organize what they’re calling “waste parties.” “It’s a beautiful thing,” said Vincent ‘Vinny Bags’ Russo, lighting a cigar while standing next to a suspiciously full paper bag on the curb. “We have a barbecue, a few drinks, and then at the end of the night, everyone tosses their ‘yard waste’ into the pile. You get to spend time with the crew and take care of business in one go. The city comes by, picks it up, and it’s like it never happened.”
At this point, the Thunder Bay mafia sees no reason to stop leveraging the city’s expanded waste collection service for their “disposal needs.” And as long as the bags keep getting picked up, no one seems eager to stop them.
For the residents of Thunder Bay, it’s just another example of the city’s unique charm. “Thunder Bay’s always been a little rough around the edges,” said one local as he dragged an unusually heavy paper bag to the curb. “But hey, at least now the city’s giving us the tools to clean up our messes. In more ways than one.”