Thunder Bay Braces for Yet Another Parade of Seasonal Joy

THUNDER BAY, ON — There’s just no such thing as “too much cheer,” Rotary chair Linda Jingleton has issued a spirited plea for all of Thunder Bay to flood the streets with Christmas merriment—or, at the very least, a few more floats than last year.

“We’re aiming for around 55 floats this year,” Jingleton announced, clutching a Santa hat and exuding the kind of intensity that suggests she hasn’t slept since July. “Last year, we had 48 floats, which was… well, fine. But this year, we want to add just a few more to truly break the ceiling of holiday joy and possibly overwhelm anyone with a functioning nervous system.”

For those still debating whether they can scrounge up enough tinsel and cardboard to construct a float, Jingleton made it clear: now’s the time to rise to the occasion, lest your children judge you for your lack of Christmas spirit well into adulthood.

“If you’re even thinking about putting a float in, visit our brand-new, cutting-edge website—thunderbaybestxmasparadeyet.com—and sign up,” she said with the kind of enthusiasm reserved for people who still believe in glitter. “The official deadline is Nov. 11, but we’ll take entries right up until the day before, because nothing says ‘Christmas spirit’ like the thrill of last-minute panic.”

The parade, which Jingleton described as “Thunder Bay’s answer to the Macy’s Parade, but with more Tim Hortons cups,” will take place on Saturday, Nov. 16. It will follow last year’s riveting route, beginning at the Superstore parking lot—because nothing evokes the magic of Christmas quite like the sight of shopping carts trapped in snowbanks. From there, the parade will crawl up Memorial Avenue, finally ending at the Thunder Bay Community Auditorium, where the lingering scent of gasoline and off-key carolling will surely herald the arrival of Christmas.

“Honestly, it’s just the perfect way to kick off the Christmas season,” Jingleton said, apparently unaware that the mere mention of Christmas this early in the year induces widespread panic. “The kids get so excited! Sure, they’re freezing, but those little red noses are practically glowing with joy!”

Jingleton’s enthusiasm was unrelenting as she reminisced about previous parades. “I saw some interviews with kids last year, and when they’re asked about their favourite float, the look of sheer bliss on their faces… well, that’s why we do it. It’s not for me. Nope, totally for the kids,” she said, her eyes twinkling with the barely-contained exhaustion of someone who’s fielded 27 float-related crises this week alone.

And what’s the best part of all this Christmas pageantry? According to Jingleton, entering a float is absolutely free—though she neglected to mention the inevitable emotional toll of attempting to recreate Santa’s sleigh out of nothing but glitter glue and a deep sense of shame.

“We just want as many people to enter as possible,” Jingleton added, sounding slightly desperate as the Nov. 11 deadline looms closer. “After all, 55 floats isn’t just a number—it’s a Christmas miracle in the making!”

But hey, who are we to question the majesty of this time-honoured tradition? The Rotary Parade is, after all, a Thunder Bay tradition. Sure, standing in subzero temperatures for hours while watching a parade of snow-covered reindeer replicas might not be everyone’s idea of a fun Saturday morning, but for many, it’s basically the social event of the year.

This year, organizers anticipate up to 20,000 people lining the parade route, each bundled up in more layers than a Christmas ham. And if you were wondering how much holiday cheer is too much, Jingleton has the definitive answer: there’s no such thing.

“Let’s face it,” Jingleton said with a knowing smile, “you see all those smiling kids along the parade route, and it just makes it all worthwhile. Unless they’re crying because their hands are frozen solid, but that’s why we’ve got the free hot chocolate.”

Once the parade reaches its grand finale at the Thunder Bay Community Auditorium, those still clinging to their last shreds of holiday spirit can gather indoors for the ultimate prize: refreshments, and an audience with the one, the only, Santa Claus.

“Yes, Santa will be there,” Jingleton confirmed, as if anyone had doubts that the jolliest man alive would make an appearance at his own parade. “He’ll be taking photos with the kids, listening to their endless lists of Christmas demands, and then slipping away quietly to begin his month-long retreat from humanity before the big night.”

And so, once again, Thunder Bay is poised to throw itself headfirst into the Christmas season—whether the people are ready for it or not. Between now and Nov. 16, all that stands between us and the warm glow of Christmas are 55 floats of merriment, too many jingle bells to count, and a whole lot of people pretending they aren’t freezing their fingers off.

So, Thunder Bay, don’t miss out: sign up, bundle up, and get ready to pretend you love standing in the cold, surrounded by 20,000 of your closest neighbours, while Santa Claus himself waves at you from a distance in his heated sleigh. After all, it’s not truly Christmas until you’ve braved the elements, lost all feeling in your toes, and smiled your way through it.