Temporary Foreign Worker Decides War-Torn Homeland Still Less Hostile Than Emo

EMO, ON — After months of attempting to settle his family in the picturesque northwestern Ontario town of Emo, local temporary foreign worker Farhad Asadi announced Friday that he’s decided to return to Iran, a country currently enduring civil unrest, because “at least the landmines don’t glare at you in the grocery store.”

Asadi, who came to Canada seeking a better life, says he never imagined the challenges he’d face wouldn’t be navigating a war zone but trying to buy milk without overhearing someone mumble about “outsiders.” “In Iran, a stray bullet can ruin your day,” Asadi said. “In Emo, it’s Brenda at the store asking why I need stamps for a foreign address. It’s just as deadly, but slower.”

Asadi initially thought small-town Ontario would be a welcoming haven for his wife and two children, a belief reinforced by a glossy government pamphlet featuring smiling locals beside a lake. “I thought they were waving hello,” he explained. “Now I’m pretty sure it was a warning to turn back.”

After enduring months of what he described as “polite Canadian hostility,” including being blamed for the rising price of eggs and questioned repeatedly about whether his name was “short for something,” Asadi decided he’d rather face the uncertainties of Tehran.

“When the guy who sold me winter tires muttered, ‘At least the snow here belongs to Canadians,’ I knew I was done,” he said, shaking his head.

Asadi has already booked flights for his family and looks forward to reuniting with relatives in a country where, he says, “even the extremists are more consistent.” He added, “In Emo, I could never tell if someone hated me for being Iranian or just for existing. In Iran, at least it’s clear-cut.”

Locals were unavailable for comment, citing a town hall meeting about how to “preserve Emo’s unique culture.”