May Long Weekend Thawing
THUNDER BAY — After braving a vicious May long weekend cold snap that featured horizontal flurries, subzero wind chills, and at least one raccoon stealing a sleeping bag for warmth, local tent campers are reportedly just beginning to thaw out, emerging from their nylon cocoons like dazed cicadas.
“I think I saw God. Or maybe it was just frostbite hallucinations,” muttered Jeff Kowalchuk, who spent the weekend at Sleeping Giant Provincial Park and is currently recovering at St. Joseph’s Hospital with minor hypothermia and a profound sense of regret. “We thought we’d be roasting marshmallows, not rationing body heat like it's a World War I trench.”
Over a dozen tents were reportedly abandoned Sunday night after a few centimetres of snow fell unexpectedly, leading to what authorities are calling “a mass migration to the nearest Tim Hortons.” One group of friends had to be dug out Monday morning after their tent collapsed under the weight of pure Northern Ontario denial.
Local woman Cheryl Menard, who wisely stayed home and binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy under four fleece blankets, expressed no sympathy for the chilly campers. “Every single year, they act like May long weekend is this magical summer wonderland,” Menard said. “This is Thunder Bay. May is just winter in a denim jacket.”
Paramedics responding to the frostbitten masses said the main treatments included hot chocolate, emergency hoodies, and aggressively smug ‘I told you so’ texts from relatives.
At press time, one camper was still trapped in a frozen sleeping bag that had fused with the ground. Rescuers expect him to be free by mid-June.