Indoor Turf Facility Budget to Eclipse GDP of Small Countries
THUNDER BAY, ON — Thunder Bay City Council has announced that the proposed budget for the city’s much-anticipated indoor turf facility has soared past $250 million—well into the realm of national-level sports venues, and edging closer to the original construction cost of Toronto's Rogers Centre.
"This is not just an investment in our city; it's an investment in our future, our health, and quite frankly, in becoming the most enviable city north of Minneapolis," said city councillor Rajni, pausing to catch her breath after a recent council meeting that added yet another $15 million to the already-swollen budget. “Sure, we could have built a world-class baseball stadium or maybe even revitalized half the city, but what this facility offers is truly priceless: a place for Thunder Bay’s youth to run around on artificial turf… all winter long. The mental and physical health benefits will be felt by generations. Of course, they’ll also be the ones paying for it, but hey, you can’t put a price on wellness.”
Despite Council’s enthusiasm, the latest financial projections reveal that Thunder Bay taxpayers may still be paying off the facility well into the 2300s. Still, Rajni maintains that the “health and happiness” of a small group of young athletes is well worth the price tag, which now requires the city to draw up three new “generational bonds.”
However, not every resident is on board. Local curmudgeon Gary Malinowski, 54, shared his skepticism about the facility from the beginning. “It’s for kids, right? Like, kids only? So what exactly am I paying $300 a month for? I don’t even know any kids,” he muttered. “I’d rather that money went into something that actually benefits people like me, like more dog parks or, I don’t know, maybe just lower taxes in general?”
Yet despite the backlash, Councillor Rajni and her colleagues remain optimistic. “In ten generations, people are going to look back and think, ‘Wow, look at the legacy those Thunder Bay councillors left for us,’” she said. “It’s like building the pyramids, except you can play soccer in it.”
For now, the city waits, and watches as the budget continues to climb, wondering just how many more millions it’ll take before Thunder Bay’s children can finally run, jump, and play—assuming the facility is still standing by the time it’s paid off.