City Installs Traffic Lights Instead of Crosswalks

THUNDER BAY, ON — In a bold initiative for pedestrian safety, the City of Thunder Bay announced its commitment to prioritizing traffic lights over crosswalks in areas where crosswalks would "technically" make the most sense, explaining that traffic lights are the only measure residents can reliably understand.

"Thunder Bay drivers, God bless 'em, are just not cut out for crosswalks. They're baffled by the white lines on the road," said City Spokesperson Brian Lanski. "We’ve seen drivers actually speed up at crosswalks, so we realized the only option is to install traffic lights instead. Everybody knows the red light means stop, the green means go, and yellow is mostly understood. We don’t want to risk anyone’s life by assuming otherwise."

This revelation follows years of pedestrian complaints about crosswalk safety in Thunder Bay. Though many areas in the city logically call for crosswalks, Thunder Bay’s approach is to ignore logical pedestrian pathways in favour of large, flashing stoplights at locations they believe to be "kind of on the way."

"I'm sorry, but a cross-what?" asked Thunder Bay resident Jerry Bouchard, 42, when asked about his familiarity with crosswalks. "I thought those big white stripes were a suggestion. I mean, sometimes people are just standing there, and it’s unclear if they’re crossing or waiting. So yeah, I speed up to help them decide.”

Pedestrians across Thunder Bay report they’ve learned to avoid crosswalks altogether. Thunder Bay local Sarah Petrowski, who’s been struck eight times this year, says she’s simply given up on the idea of being seen by drivers. “You’d think wearing fluorescent orange would do it,” she said from her hospital bed, “but after the fourth time, I realized these crosswalks might as well be invisible. I actually prefer it now that we’re getting traffic lights. The risk of getting clipped has gone way down.”

“Our crosswalks will continue to function as lovely road decorations,” added Lanski. “We urge pedestrians to walk a few extra blocks to find a traffic light when they need to cross the street. After all, no one should have to take unnecessary risks when traffic lights are an option. Safety first!”