City Announces Winter FunDays as Bold Plan to Distract Residents from Endless Misery of Winter
THUNDER BAY, ON — In a move hailed as “optimistically delusional” by local meteorologists, the City of Thunder Bay proudly announced the return of Winter FunDays, a slick attempt to convince residents that the relentless hellscape of winter is, in fact, “a magical time for family bonding and frosty fun.”
Scheduled from January 5th to March 16th, the programming will include various indoor and outdoor activities that officials claim “highlight the joy of winter,” though many residents were quick to question the existence of such a concept.
“Sure, I’ll come out to Prince Arthur’s Landing to ‘celebrate’ winter—right after I finish chiseling my car out of its ice tomb and remembering what sunlight feels like,” said lifelong Thunder Bay resident Carla Fisher, 42. “But hey, maybe sliding around on frozen ponds will distract me from the fact that my heating bill now rivals my mortgage.”
City organizers insist the events, held at venues like the Baggage Building Arts Centre and scattered neighbourhood parks, are designed to “bring the community together,” a claim skeptics dismissed as a thinly veiled plot to get residents to tolerate winter’s cruel tyranny.
“Who doesn’t love hauling their frostbitten children out of the house to make a snowman that lasts three hours before the plows annihilate it?” asked city spokesperson Greg Lanning.
Despite the lukewarm reception, organizers remain hopeful. “Winter FunDays are about embracing the season,” said Lanning, adding that activities will include snowshoeing, crafts, and pretending seasonal depression is just quirky holiday vibes.
At press time, the city confirmed additional funding for “Summer FunDays,” a future initiative meant to convince residents that mosquito swarms and forest fires are “nature’s warm hug.”