Canada Post Workers Demand Fair Compensation for Not Working Weekends

THUNDER BAY, ON — Tensions between Canada Post and its workers reached a fever pitch this week as union representatives rejected a new contract proposal that, shockingly, required employees to perform actual work. The dispute centres on demands for wage increases, the preservation of pensions, and a firm stance against weekend shifts—luxuries Thunder Bay’s unemployed residents can only fantasize about from their seats at the Tim Hortons.

“We’re not asking for much,” said union leader Brenda Leduc while perched on a towering pile of undelivered parcels. “All we want is fair pay, a secure retirement, and the continued freedom to spend Saturdays and Sundays doing anything but delivering mail. Is that too much to ask?”

Canada Post, which remains Canada’s most cherished purveyor of coupon booklets and mysterious Amazon delays, insists the proposed contract is fair. “We’re simply asking workers to meet the bare minimum expectations for a postal service in the 21st century,” said spokesperson Greg McAllister. “Yes, that includes weekends. People order things on Fridays, believe it or not.”

Meanwhile, residents of Thunder Bay have been following the dispute with a mix of envy and disbelief. “They get pensions?” said local job-seeker Tyler McGill. “I can’t even get a call back from the gas station.” Others lamented the perceived injustice of the situation. “They’re fighting over not working weekends? Must be nice,” said Michelle Greene, pausing mid-scroll through Indeed listings labeled Entry-Level Position: Must Have 7 Years’ Experience.

For now, negotiations continue, with both sides refusing to budge. Canada Post remains optimistic about a resolution but confirmed they’re developing contingency plans. “If our workers strike, we’ll ensure Canadians’ mail is delayed through alternative means,” said McAllister. “Just like usual.”